While I am motivated..

While I am motivated and in a place to get this down...

Struggling. With so many various feelings.

I hate what Christianity is, in the mainstream. I hate how it is perceived. I hate how people fake it. I despise how people taint it. I am trying to make peace with my path, and I fear the label.

I know that Christianity is my path. After 10+ years of being out of church, I have come back to a form of the belief I grew up it. I am so torn, there is so much I DO NOT EMBRACE. And yet I understand why people embrace it.

It is no fun being told, by one in authority, with whom you are seeking input and wisdom to salvage a deteriorating part of your life (that you feel is work saving)- that you are not a Christian (b/c you happen to not believe in a theology that they do).

I have been sick over it. Is all this trauma (I'll call it 'landslide') my fault- b/c I don't agree w/a theology? My heart says no, but my fear says yes.

How am I ever going to reconcile all this. Will there ever come a time where my life, my beliefs are MINE?? Will it ever be that I am partnered with someone that is strong enough to live intentionally?

I know I am worth it. I do. However somewhere in the day to day- I forget. I feel so broken, and awesome. I know I have gifts, I desire to learn to accept all of me- with out settling.

Untangling the UN-me

At the moment.... I believe: that the hardest part of being a Womyn is also what makes the awesome beings we are. We are amazing, insightful, caring and most importantly (most of us) are nurturing, empathetic beings. And that my friend is the problem. We feel SO much that sometimes the lines of what is ours and what is another's gets mixed. And we Womyn end up overloaded and exhausted. When we finally get that moment for some soul searching- we realize that much of our crap isn't ours. It is what we have taken on from our partners, parents, children, society... The list goes on and on.

So now the hard part, how to untangle all that is ME: Womyn- and all that is the inherited crap.

That is where *I* am right now.


How do you unload? Unclench? It can be rhetorical or I would love to hear your experience- publicly or privately.

I am worth it. I am amazing.