While I am motivated..

While I am motivated and in a place to get this down...

Struggling. With so many various feelings.

I hate what Christianity is, in the mainstream. I hate how it is perceived. I hate how people fake it. I despise how people taint it. I am trying to make peace with my path, and I fear the label.

I know that Christianity is my path. After 10+ years of being out of church, I have come back to a form of the belief I grew up it. I am so torn, there is so much I DO NOT EMBRACE. And yet I understand why people embrace it.

It is no fun being told, by one in authority, with whom you are seeking input and wisdom to salvage a deteriorating part of your life (that you feel is work saving)- that you are not a Christian (b/c you happen to not believe in a theology that they do).

I have been sick over it. Is all this trauma (I'll call it 'landslide') my fault- b/c I don't agree w/a theology? My heart says no, but my fear says yes.

How am I ever going to reconcile all this. Will there ever come a time where my life, my beliefs are MINE?? Will it ever be that I am partnered with someone that is strong enough to live intentionally?

I know I am worth it. I do. However somewhere in the day to day- I forget. I feel so broken, and awesome. I know I have gifts, I desire to learn to accept all of me- with out settling.